The Quiet Relationship Assassin “Emotional Affairs”

The Quiet Relationship Assassin “Emotional Affairs”

I was in-boxed a question today and I decided to share. The question ~”What would you consider to be an affair?”

Well first of all let me say that an affair does not have to just include sex, because sex is only the physical act of an affair.  An affair can be emotional as well. Even though some people think that as long as sex isn’t involve they are not having an affair. However, if you are taking emotions that are attended to be shared between a couple only, away from your spouse or partner and giving it to someone else then you are having an affair.  And emotional affairs can be just as hurtful and painful to your significant other as a physical affair, because trust becomes broken. The sad part once trust is broken that is hard to come back from.

Honestly, most emotional affairs lead to physical affairs.  When you think about an emotional affair, you think about secrets, whether it secret conversations, secret texting, secret emailing, secret social networking, etc. These secrets can become intoxicating, and you find yourself drawn closer and closer to that person. Then the next thing you know you find yourself sharing more about yourself to the other person than you do with your spouse or significant other. You find yourself can’t waiting to hear from that person or see that person. Your mind becomes consumed with thoughts about that other person, and then the next thing you know one thing is leading to another and you have found yourself in a position it is hard to come back from.

Am I saying you can’t be friends with someone outside your partner, no but what I am saying is be very mindful and careful with that friendship.  Not all friendships are meant to be, especially if you are in a friendship where you find yourself becoming attracted to that other person. This is when you need to cut all strings with that friend, if you want to relationship you are currently in. Just think of it this way would you want your spouse or significant other being friends with some and they have that kind of emotional attachment, even if it is not physical. No you wouldn’t, so please don’t do that to them.

If you are married then your spouse should, be your best friend anyway!!!!!!!

www.darealtalk.com

Knowing When to Sit the Garbage Out By the Road

Knowing When to Sit the Garbage Out By the Road

If you really want to move on to something new you have to let the past go!!!!!!!!!

There was a situation that I was asked my opinion on this week.  I have actually been consulted on this situation two days in a row, now. My answer has been the same for the last two days and it will continue to be the same.  If you are telling a person you do not want to be in a relationship with them you have to set clear boundaries with them. Telling them you don’t like them, but letting them come and lay up in your house, when they feel like it, is sending them mix messages and giving them a false sense of hope. You are not doing yourself or them any good, by doing this, especially if you say have already moved on. The person that you have moved on with is not going to like or accept your ex staying in your home.  Also if the ex is not paying bills at the house and you don’t need them to survive financially, why are you letting them come up in your house anyway, unless it is not truly over between you, two. You know what I say actions speak louder than words.

All I am saying is drop your old baggage or garbage whichever one you want to call it, by the road and let the garbage collector take it away. And if you like to recycle, remember everything is not meant to be recycled. Stop trying to hold on to something that is just making your house junky. And I am telling you if ex is still there all they are doing is making your house messy and stinky, in more ways than one.

I have permission to blog about this so we could hear some other opinions, so we would like if you leave us feedback either on a comment here or on the Facebook page. Thanks for your cooperation on this matter.

 

 

www.darealtalk.com

How to Keep Your Best Friend, After You Say I do

Have you ever noticed that after a couple or so years into some people’s marriage their relationships with their best friend start to change? They may hang out all the time, but most of the time the tension that is in the air is so thick that you can cut it with a knife. The one person you could count on the most before marriage seem to have cut you off emotionally and sometimes even physically. You should never let your marriage cut you off from your best friend. You should never let your marriage turn your best friend into your worst enemy.

No, I wasn’t talking about your best girl friend or your best guy friend; I am talking about your spouse. The person who should be your best friend in the world. I hear so many times people saying that they are about to marry their best friend. This is so very true and should always stay true, but when the honeymoon period is over some people turn from best friends into worst enemies.

So how do we avoid that losing your best friend? Well you all should know me by now and if you do you should know that keeping the lines of communication open is always going to be number one on my list. So I am not just going to mention about communication, but the way in which we communicate. The information that I want to share with you that was previously shared with me. The information talks about four communication styles that are relationship killers. These are the four horsemen, which Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, said was the biggest indicators to determine whether a marriage will fail or not. He and his colleagues have studied more than 2,000 married couples over the last 20 years and have been able to predict with 94 percent accuracy which, marriage will last and which will fail. If you don’t want to lose your best friend see if you and your mates are communication style is like that below and if it is you need to hurry up and fix it.  The information below was retrieved from http://www.marleneandbob.com/the4horsemen.pdf

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong

  • Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…” “you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so…”

2. Contempt: Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her

  • Insults and name calling: “wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy, etc…”
  • Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
  • Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip

3. Defensiveness:Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack

  • Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
  • Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said
  • Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …”
  • Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
  • Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
  • Whining “It’s not fair.”

4. Stonewalling:Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness

  • Stony silence
  • Monosyllabic mutterings
  • Changing the subject
  • Removing yourself physically

So what can you do if you notice yourself participating in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and/or stonewalling?

1. Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)

2. Learn to communicate consciously by speaking the unarguable truth

3. Learn to listen generously. Listen for accuracy, for the core emotions your partner is expressing and for what your partner really wants.

4. Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, and what they want; see through their eyes)

5. Shift to appreciation (5 positive interactions are necessary to compensate for one negative interaction)

6. Claim responsibility: }What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”

7. Re-write your inner script (notice when you are thinking critical, contemptuous or defensive thoughts; replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation, and responsibility that are soothing & validating)

8. Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up